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Relationships
In a previous post I wrote about how awesome camp was and how it was different this year, I’ve said that every year after camp. But there was something different this year. I can’t explain what it was but something has changed in me. For the first time in my life I have a desire to change and a desire to dig deeper into my faith. In past years I have wanted to want that feeling if that makes sense but never actually experienced it.
God has been speaking to me over the past week like never before, I haven’t heard his voice or anything of that nature but I can tell he is at the center of my thoughts right now and is helping guide me in the right direction, and bringing answers to questions I have had for quite some time as well as helping me understand the reason things happen.
The big thing I have come to realize in my time since camp is about relationships. Whether its friendships or dating relationships. Around two years ago or so I read a book called I kissed Dating Goodbye, and it got me to look at dating relationships in a whole new way. I realized that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with a girl if I couldn’t see my self marrying her. I don’t see the point, if you know you are not going to marry that person why waste time and put your self through all the hurt that is associated with breaking up with someone.
Since I have made that decision, I haven’t been in a relationship. That’s not to say there haven’t been girls who I have wanted to date but it hasn’t worked out with anyone. Over the past six months or so that began to bug me, I looked at my sister who was already married by my age and I can’t even get a girlfriend. I began to question God on why he hasn’t brought the right girl into my life, I was also embarrassed that I hadn’t had a girlfriend in 2+ years.
It wasn’t until earlier this week that I came to a realization as to why God hasn’t brought that girl into my life. If you read the post below this you will find out that I’m struggling with how I interact with anyone, that most of the time I am an arrogant, selfish, sarcastic, asshole if you will majority of the time.
When I came to the realization about how I interact with friends and how through Jesus I need to make changes because I have tried before and failed miserably. It was shortly after realizing all of that, it became clear to me why I haven’t had a girlfriend in the past two years, why I felt as though something was wrong with me.
It all makes sense to me right now, I have told God that I only wanted to be in a relationship with a girl I thought I could marry, and he is being faithful to that request. He hasn’t put that girl in my life yet, or at least not in the role of being my girl friend for a reason, because I’m not ready for that. If I can’t interact with my friends and family without being sarcastic and rude, why would a girl want to be with me? Especially a woman of God.
Realizing this has only added fuel to the fire that was started at camp to make me wanna change. In past years I have tried to do all of this change my self. This time its going to be different. I am going to rely on God to help me make the necessary changes in my life.
