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I have never been one to open up very easily to others, I always put up these walls and don’t let people see the real me. Before I make a decision I think of what others might think or say. As im typing and thinking about this I realize just how pathetic it is. It effects me in pretty much every aspect of my life, what I drive, how I dress, how I talk, how I act, everything. It takes a tremendous toll on me, I am just now starting to grasp exactly how much it has effected me.
I feel like it effects every relationship I have, whether its with family, friends, or a girlfriend what ever the relationship is, I build up these walls and try to make people see what I want to them to see or who I want to be rather than who I am. The most troubling thought I have had is how this effects my relationship with God, if I build up these walls with family and friends I have also built them up with God. I have always longed for a deeper relationship with God, but I have these stupid walls and insecurities built up that I feel are preventing me from getting that closeness I desire. During worship I don’t sing out loud for fear of those around me hearing me and thinking im a bad singer or raise my hands to the sky for fear that other may make fun of me for it.
I am sick and tired of these barriers I build with God and everyone else in my life. Im sick of caring what others think, I have always tried to tell my self and everyone else I don’t care what others think of me, but I honestly do.
I have tried for 21+ years on my own, and have failed miserably, I’m sick of failure, sick of being held back by my insecurities and these walls that I’ve built up. I have finally realized its time for me to stop relying on my self, and rely on GOD. So if you are one of the few who read this thing some prayers would be much appreciated, I know I can’t do this on my own.
